Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in quarterrest's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
11:15 pm	gender drama I keep having these great lightbulb moments reading this book. Intersex children who, given the opportunity, might actually choose not to be "fixed" or assigned to a gender norm? Transgenders who see their identities and bodies as just fine the way they are, whose only dysphoria is the disagreement and ostracism resulting from a disease-minded society? Yes! me! In other news, I really truly want to talk to my parents, but have no clue where to start. And I am talking to a leader in the gay fetish scene in SF, and his views just plain disgust me. He has a good attitude, I guess, but ... the stereotypes are just shredding my heart. I want this to be a public post so I won't quote him, but if you're remotely curious I'd be happy to carry on a private comment thread. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 15th, 2009
9:45 pm	Enjoying this book I lost 2 years ago and found at the Piedmont Branch. It's a great transgender 101. Btw locals, the Piedmont Branch houses Oakland Public Library's LGBT collection. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
10:46 pm	chestoff I have so much to post to this journal. For now I'll just keep it off my chest. On my chest. Get it off ... ( Anyway ) That's as far as my process goes. Surgery still seems alien and invasive, though I guess some of the fleshy grown feels alien too. But it's free! can't say no to free. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 12th, 2009
10:18 pm	I was kinda shocked to see this photo of me: (Comment on this)
12:36 am	I had a totally stealth hilarity moment at pagan seder Thursday night. [after introducing myself to a couple of participants, we shake hands] Me: Oh, are there any Orthodox Jews present? I remember something about not offering to shake hands first. Pagan Jew : That's for women. Me: Oh? Pagan Jews: [explanation and stories ensue] Me: Oh how funny. It must get interesting when Orthodox Jews mix with the gender mixers. [I walk away] (20 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 16th, 2009
12:21 pm	Debauchery benefit I went to this AIDS Life Cycle benefit at the White Horse last night. It's a monthly strip-for-charity event. It reminded me of Pride 2006, when I spent the late night before at Power Exchange, then hid in a dark corner of the balcony for a wild dance party in SOMA. It was my first all-nighter, and i was sleeping with my eyes open to flashing colored lights and ribs shaking with the bass. I crouched in my leather jacket and didn't talk to anyone all night. Guys crammed into the huge dance floor below, topless and sweaty. The young, mostly female crowd last night was also happy and wild. They weren't drinking as much as I've seen gay men do. And they were hot. This time, though, a friend had invited me; I was out and had nothing to hide, aside from my discomfort (I didn't even try to hide my astonishment at the scene so alien to me); he introduced me to his friends. This time, I was okay. A year after the dance party in SOMA I went to Camp Trans and came out. That was where I found out what 'trannyfag' means. I had heard it before but avoided finding out more. Kinda like one of the transguys I ran into last night -- he was a friend of someone I was dating in early 2007 but I avoided getting to know him at all. At that point, though, my personal conflict was coming out as deep suffering and shame. I'm still kind of ashamed to run into folks from that period. I was really a wreck and a part of me hates everybody who didn't reach out to me more when they knew better than I did. But the rest of me is titillated at the prospect of showing myself as I am now, awkward and hormone-treated and deeply at peace with my journey. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 23rd, 2008
11:30 am	Vitex experimentation ( Herbal, medical ) (Comment on this)
Monday, February 25th, 2008
2:54 pm	pronouns I'm trying to decide if my paranoia of messing up others' pronouns is discrete from that of messing up my own pronoun. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
11:09 pm	House Angst 1. Last month, I went out to a club with my house. Afterward, one of my roommates related joyfully the following story. She congratulated me for passing. Her brother came to the bar with his friend. After meeting me, the friend expressed shock and disbelief when her brother told him I was transgender. He said, 'No way, he looks like a man, he sounds like a man, that is a man!' 2. See story in previous post re: open mic. I am planning to discuss this with the relevant roommates privately, as well as at a house meeting. But I'm not sure where to go with it. They've been personally supportive, but if they don't want to be active allies, I can't force them. I can only enforce that they help me be safe. I've never felt so unsafe about being openly trans before, nor so aware of my roommates' ignorance of my struggle. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 21st, 2007
1:58 pm	Why I got crazy about mint since T Corn mint and spearmint have been researched for antiandrogenic properties in mice and men. Check it out. Studies found corn mint extract at different dosages all sterilized male mice, with a significant change in chemical composition in the reproductive systems, and spearmint has free T down, LH, FSH, E up effects in hirsute cis-women. Isn't the body something? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 15th, 2007
12:53 am	I'm reading this (thanks innerlife_) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 11th, 2007
10:08 pm	My friend from college, Jen J, is here and I'm troubled by how distant we appear to have become. I want to think it's because we never talk on the phone much and haven't kept in touch, but her words haunt me over and over... a couple instances of identification of my physical traits as female. Not feminine, female. It shows to me how virgin she is to the genderqueer world and how much of a foundation I have built out of it. Not only what I am (genderqueer first, transgender second) but justifying the conflicts between body and politics, personal and public. I've asserted many times that I have claim to female experience, particularly in academic and professional accomplishments. Perhaps I could argue that genderqueer trumps all my other gender identities in academic and professional environments, and my political stance demands fluidity. But I feel like I'm backing down in cowardice, same as in social situations when I mean very much to correct people who use the wrong pronoun. I want, more than anything, for everyone in all environments to recognize that gender is a palette of color and texture independent from body and assignment, and then I would feel the freedom to be myself, to re-create myself, without imposing or attracting exclusive attention. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 27th, 2007
10:01 pm	the social construction, socially enforced What do you do when you're with a couple friendly cisgendered people you just met, who might even know you through another trans friend, and a stranger you'll never see again refers to you with the wrong pronoun? How do you feel if said friendly people don't correct the stranger or make any acknowlegement of the mistake? I was in the mood to turn on my heel and go home. What was at least as dramatic was sitting next to a puppy pile at Thanksgiving dinner and hearing three people in the pile simultaneously correct someone on my pronoun after she didn't hear when I initially made the correction. Whoa, attention! I still don't know what to make of it. We spend so long toughing it out alone. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 19th, 2007
1:21 am	It was my first experience in an exclusively male, nude, non-sexual, non-transgender-safe space. In Josh's gym, the locker rooms are very public, nude-positive, and gender-segregated. I decided to sit in the sauna in a shirt and towel. It reminded me of another friend who never removes his binder, and usually wears a shirt over that, even in steamy sexy situations. So that felt somewhat okay. I always wonder what the other people are thinking, but they never say anything, no matter what I do. Afterward, I stripped and quickly showered while Josh was the only other around. On the drive home, he asked me about it and seemed genuinely surprised that it was a transgender-unfriendly space. Um, good reality check. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 18th, 2007
5:02 pm	Pop! I gave myself my first shot Friday. When the needle came out of the skin, it felt like "pop!" on the edges of the hole. The muscle continues to be sore and now my junk is bleeding moderately. What the hell? I need an exit strategy. As long as I've sought hormone therapy and been on T, I've known it's not something I want to do in the long term. For now, it's a relief not to be obsessing over gender. (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 21st, 2007
4:40 pm	post script on dosage Nick Gorton's guide says 2.5-10g gel containing 25-100 mg testosterone is the normal range for FTMs. Transdermal (haha) absorption yields 4.5-7mg (9-15%) into the body. Normal physiologic production of T in cismales is 4-9mg/d. The short of it is I've been ok. Since the first couple weeks I haven't felt the sustained energy my friends commonly attribute to T. I suspect it will return when I start shooting a month or so from now. I'm not thrilled about dumping inhuman amounts of hormone into my body semimonthly, but Pacificare PPO denied my appeal for coverage and I can't afford $100 gel every 45 days. On menses, I'm still in the damned if I do, damned if I don't situation. Ovulation may return if I quit T. Surgery comes with another huge, all-around, adverse impact. Staying on T is bodily scary. The nice thing about harm reduction is there are always options to respond to changes in the situation. ::waits:: (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 5th, 2007
10:53 am	My boss said I sound sick on the phone. Yeah... just in my throat. I'm sipping tea to keep the itching under control. I crack a lot less after singing warm-ups. But I can't sing all day in the office. I wish I could take a couple weeks off to work on my voice, but it's crunch schedule again. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 4th, 2007
2:56 pm	Growing Stretching I can feel the bones pushing between ligaments Muscles become metal-hard, rounding my outlines Seismic valley relieving itself one ridge at a time. My face is full of penis My penis lifts its face in baby cobra Sir, sir, sir She, she, she I try to cough up the growth in my airway But it's liquid growth Letting loose and tightening Slipping here, washboarding on the rut My heart is a growing muscle Emotions growing, too, ripening It flutters, faint from exercise Now unexpectedly fearful (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
1:17 pm	Barrier: insurance Doc office told me the preauthorization, which they called in on Friday, was rejected by Pacificare on basis of (a) it's unclear that I'm a hypogonadal male and (b) I haven't tried Androgel, a similar testosterone gel. I spent half this morning getting the ball rolling again: 1. Doc will let me know if I can try Androgel, primarily for the next few days while this gets sorted out because that's what a friend offered. I used a 1/2 dose this morning so I have something tomorrow. Androgel may also be useful if insurance does agree to cover that brand but not Testim. [Edit: Doc says Androgel ok. I'll try running that prescription later this week] 2. Checking out what a compounding pharmacy can do for me, although Doc warned against substituting potentially inferior medications and might not write me a script for generic T gel. I'm hoping this could be an affordable option. Testim currently runs at $237 a month, and $50 with the non-formulary med copay I would get were the preauth approved. [Edit: they can make a 1% cream for $59.50/month.] 3. Started a letter to appeal the rejection of preauth for Testim. Would be helpful to add psychologist letter and maybe results of serum test, record of uterine fibroids and ovarian cyst, etc. Pacificare PPO's definition of medical necessity includes something necessary to avoid "injury," which I take to mean social anxiety, depression, and loss of life functions that I experienced earlier this year. The PPO has a policy of not covering services for the purpose of change of gender. This is a totally illegal exclusion, but one step at a time. 4. [EDIT 5p.m.] Found an angel of an advocate in a broker, Erika/Financial Independence Company. She gave me some tips on the appeal letter (she was going to write it herself) and is mailing me a confidential discount on Rx drugs. She also strongly suggested switching to HMO, which explicitly covers gender transitional services. I'm leaving this post public so people can give input on letters appealing refusal of coverage. All comments screened. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 25th, 2007
11:36 am	Glitter I passed at an electronic music spinning party last night with a face full of glitter and star on my cheek. Not sure what I passed as, but it was fun. I danced to an original mix of trance, Latin, and techno. Thank you, fairy queen. (Comment on this)