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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in quarterrest's LiveJournal:

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    Thursday, September 29th, 2011
    10:41 pm
    Mom, 2. World, I don't care.
    Long time no post here. Thought I'd keep score for Mom.

    On the long drive to residency, told me about a 16-year-old daughter of her friends who came out as MTF. She indicated she chatted at length with the parents and had positive opinions about the girl's drive and intellect. +1

    On the drive home she asked if Myles's queerness was related to his moms being moms. +1 for recognizing Myles and me as a 'mo couple, -1 for attribution to 'mo parents. (Because the vast majority of queers are produced by queer parents... uh-huh...)

    She then mentioned she'd encountered a web article defining sexual orientation as opposed to gender identity. +1 for doing research.

    Total: +2

    And then I saw this ridiculous IGB vid from "Snape."


    Friday, April 29th, 2011
    11:00 am
    angry rant
    For some reason digging up rocks (and plastic sheeting, broken glass, and rusty metal scrap) from the new garden bed reminds me of the frustrating experience of being informed by a well-meaning but befuddled cisperson that a third person used the wrong pronoun for me when I wasn't there.

    This falls under the category of cispeople reminding trans people they're trans. Don't do it. There's nothing I can do about it except maybe feel insecure or angry, and if you didn't say anything since, unlike me, you had that option, you're an ass and you have to deal with that yourself, just like I dealt with worlds of guilt and shame and angst by myself, years ago, done.
    Friday, February 11th, 2011
    8:30 am
    a status update
    TRANGST!!! 
    Friday, February 4th, 2011
    12:57 pm
     T is so weird! Two cycles back on my full dose, my upper lip has collapsed. Who's going to want to make out with me now?
    Tuesday, December 14th, 2010
    7:50 pm
    My uterus
    I've been adjusting my hormone dosage and yesterday, conditions were right for my uterus to talk with the rest of me. It's hard for me to describe, so I'm hoping some of you have had similar experiences. 

    Discomfort and displeasure often strike me hardest before and when I'm bleeding. I started to spend my first day back in decent health finishing the sax quartet, but realized concepts were shifting on my tenth hearing of Penderecki's Cappricio for Violin and Orchestra. Following this feeling of dissatisfaction, I fengshui-ed my room instead of composing, moving five shelves of the library out to the common room, repositioning the bed, cleaning as I went. When I stretched out on the bed to test the view, barely moments passed before the ideas came clear and fast. I'm making it happen here.

    Today I prepared to paint a wall. My room is in the Relationships and Fame parts of the Bagua on this floor; that wall would be the Relationship side of the Bagua in the room. I could use some help with building and maintaining healthy relationships as I prepare to leave the city again and potentially start a farming community.
    Yes, pink.
    Friday, October 15th, 2010
    9:42 pm
    my family is sexist
    This topic again! ::shock and outrage::

    While working upstairs I overheard my dad tell a repair service person that he has "a son and a daughter." When I addressed it with him later, he laughed, embarrassed that I'd heard, and made excuses that it was small talk, he hasn't had enough time to get used to the change, and anyway, he prefers to have sons. I was torn between annoyance at his lengthy excuse making and outrage that he's overtly perpetuating the collective sexism that destroyed any chance I had at a healthy path as a strong woman.

    (abrupt end of rant)

    Btw, this video has "gone viral" (though <300 Fb shares shouldn't count). Fair warning, it's a tear jerker and contains references to homophobic slander and violence.
    Wednesday, September 1st, 2010
    4:00 pm
    Challenge question
    I was nosing around on yellowworld for clues about how to talk to my brother about his race-shame and came across this article. It's not journalism so much as a quote from an interesting article about Western stereotypes of East Asian men and how typical Asian responses merely reinforce sexism by glorifying violence and avarice.

    So I got to thinking about who my heroes are (of any race) and what makes someone heroic. I'm looking for a winning negotiator, someone clever with words, but also powerful in the physical sphere. Someone who carefully applies leverage to seemingly insurmountable but believable challenges. If my hero is male, he responds to accusations of femininity not with defensive force but pity and dismissal.

    Who are your heroes, and what's heroism to you?
    Thursday, May 27th, 2010
    3:21 pm
    Hormones are hard. I'm waiting until I'm physically in the Bay Area before meeting with and getting a refill from the herbalist, so the e is catching up with facial features and giving me a turn in the bathroom mirror. An older lesbian clocked me at the train station a few days ago. Aaaargh, I can do this...
    Thursday, May 6th, 2010
    10:31 pm
    the pitfall of FTM
    My father raised this question with me quite tentatively, but it's a totally valid question. I realized I may not have discussed it here before because I use this journal as a dump for trans-related, introspective posts though many of you might be sitting on the topic.

    Q: Did I transition because I believe men are better than women?
    A: Absolutely not. I would even say my transition is proof that gender is a mere construct and a woman can accomplish/look/move in society the same way a man can. Yes, I challenge the very definition of 'woman' and 'man.' I believe all humans are entitled the same rights and responsibilities regardless of gender, but because of institutionalized oppression on the basis of gender, we have unequal access to those rights and responsibilities.

    As a result of this inequality, every individual must find their own position in this system of oppression based on their gendered experience before they can effectively work to transform the massive cultural institution of gender.

    Once again, I've ranted myself into the late night. I hope this is helpful to someone, and please feel free to share it.
    Wednesday, April 21st, 2010
    7:47 pm
    eggs
    I'm interested in being an egg donor. I think it would be unrealistic to go through the process with an agency to find a match because I'm trans and agencies aren't prepared to work with that, and couples aren't looking for trans donors with those agencies. 

    I have to find a couple on my own; couple has to find me. So here's my signal: I want to make it possible for a couple to have a child. I'm willing to get off T and undergo the chemical shenanigans necessary to make that possible. And to make that worthwhile, I want to know you. 

    If you're in a couple that is seeking the aid of an egg donor, I want you to feel free to approach me.
    Wednesday, January 20th, 2010
    10:59 am
    Thursday, January 14th, 2010
    10:24 pm
    Free will
    A week ago I was in the kitchen with a housemate and we both headed to the adjoining mudroom, a sort of uninsulated attached shed. I stopped dead behind him as he rummaged in the open door and the cold air assailed my already-chilled frame. I couldn't will myself to get what I needed. I hadn't felt that way for years, that quick discouragement from a choice already made.

    It wasn't until the day I got my testosterone in the mail and hit it, over a week late, that I realized what was going on. It wasn't that it was so cold. As estrogen resumed dominance in my body I was again feeling that repulsion from uncomfortable, repulsive, or ugly sensations.

    Do I just not care as much? Is my rational will stronger? I thought I could stand up for myself better, perform better under fearsome circumstances, and to a large degree that is what I have experienced. But what else got filtered?
    Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
    5:19 pm
    herb help
    I had a long phone consultation with an herbalist in SF this afternoon. I listed my concerns as follows:
    • mind fog
    • get off T
    • mitigate unwanted effects of hormone levels my body would produce
    • prevention and treatment of uterine fibroids and cysts

    He made the following suggestions and will mail me about $100 of herbs for a 6-week trial. I plan to make a low-stress and relaxation-focused environment with the expectation of uncomfortable PMS-like symptoms as my body adjusts hormone levels for at least several days. I can do that.
    • reduce caffiene
    • replace soy with other beans and dark greens
    • avoid xenoestrogens from plastics touching food (this is going to be the most difficult -- I carry around leftovers)
    I'm happy to be working on this finally. I have to remember to ask about maintaining muscle and replacing tea with yerba mate.
    Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
    11:15 pm
    gender drama
    I keep having these great lightbulb moments reading this book. Intersex children who, given the opportunity, might actually choose not to be "fixed" or assigned to a gender norm? Transgenders who see their identities and bodies as just fine the way they are, whose only dysphoria is the disagreement and ostracism resulting from a disease-minded society?

    Yes! me!

    In other news, I really truly want to talk to my parents, but have no clue where to start. And I am talking to a leader in the gay fetish scene in SF, and his views just plain disgust me. He has a good attitude, I guess, but ... the stereotypes are just shredding my heart.

    I want this to be a public post so I won't quote him, but if you're remotely curious I'd be happy to carry on a private comment thread.
    Friday, May 15th, 2009
    9:45 pm
    Enjoying this book I lost 2 years ago and found at the Piedmont Branch. It's a great transgender 101. Btw locals, the Piedmont Branch houses Oakland Public Library's LGBT collection.
    Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
    10:46 pm
    chestoff
    I have so much to post to this journal. For now I'll just keep it off my chest. On my chest. Get it off ...

    AnywayCollapse )

    That's as far as my process goes. Surgery still seems alien and invasive, though I guess some of the fleshy grown feels alien too. But it's free! can't say no to free.

    Sunday, April 12th, 2009
    10:18 pm
    I was kinda shocked to see this photo of me:



    12:36 am
    I had a totally stealth hilarity moment at pagan seder Thursday night.

    [after introducing myself to a couple of participants, we shake hands]
    Me: Oh, are there any Orthodox Jews present? I remember something about not offering to shake hands first.
    Pagan Jew : That's for women.
    Me: Oh?
    Pagan Jews: [explanation and stories ensue]
    Me: Oh how funny. It must get interesting when Orthodox Jews mix with the gender mixers.
    [I walk away]
    Monday, March 16th, 2009
    12:21 pm
    Debauchery benefit
    I went to this AIDS Life Cycle benefit at the White Horse last night. It's a monthly strip-for-charity event. It reminded me of Pride 2006, when I spent the late night before at Power Exchange, then hid in a dark corner of the balcony for a wild dance party in SOMA. It was my first all-nighter, and i was sleeping with my eyes open to flashing colored lights and ribs shaking with the bass.

    I crouched in my leather jacket and didn't talk to anyone all night. Guys crammed into the huge dance floor below, topless and sweaty. The young, mostly female crowd last night was also happy and wild. They weren't drinking as much as I've seen gay men do. And they were hot.

    This time, though, a friend had invited me; I was out and had nothing to hide, aside from my discomfort (I didn't even try to hide my astonishment at the scene so alien to me); he introduced me to his friends. This time, I was okay.

    A year after the dance party in SOMA I went to Camp Trans and came out. That was where I found out what 'trannyfag' means. I had heard it before but avoided finding out more. Kinda like one of the transguys I ran into last night -- he was a friend of someone I was dating in early 2007 but I avoided getting to know him at all. At that point, though, my personal conflict was coming out as deep suffering and shame.

    I'm still kind of ashamed to run into folks from that period. I was really a wreck and a part of me hates everybody who didn't reach out to me more when they knew better than I did. But the rest of me is titillated at the prospect of showing myself as I am now, awkward and hormone-treated and deeply at peace with my journey.
    Friday, May 23rd, 2008
    11:30 am
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